I've battled with the perception for 20 years that personal devotions were supposed to be rigidly structured in order to meet the requirements of the good Christian checklist. While a helpful Bible teacher in college encouraged me to start with just 5 minutes a day of reading my Bible, being the emotional sanguine that I am, I didn't manage to stay focused for long and got lost when reading through Leviticus.
Yesterday over pizza and Pepsi, a university student and I wrestled with what it meant to be a real Christian. She's on her exploratory journey while I'm settling in to what seems right for me but even at our different points, with a generation between us, we found understanding in talking through our questions. Frustrated with organized religion that dictated more rote than relationship, we painted mental pictures of what we wished a church and spirituality would look like.
This afternoon I came home from work, exhausted and overwhelmed. It's difficult, sometimes, when the workplace is the ministry, as expectations are then tempered with less professionalism and more religiousees. To be honest, I've been going in to work as late as I can, taking long lunch breaks, and leaving early, using sick leave for a head cold, and just doing the simple minimum to get my hours in. It's been one of those weeks, or months actually, where I'm tired of the interpersonal clashes, the cultural conflicts, and the constant feeling that I can't keep up with doing 2 full-time jobs.
I lay on my bed and reached for my Bible, turning to 1 Peter 5 where I knew the familiar verse lay about giving my burdens to God. As I prayed aloud, jumping right into expressing how very much I needed God because I couldn't handle everything anymore, the thought came to mind again. It was one I'd been mulling all morning.
What if God doesn't expect me to worship Him through deep exegetical Bible study? What if He doesn't want me to worship Him that way? What if He created me to worship Him through walking in nature and observing the insects and flowers and listening to the birds' spring songs and contemplating while listening for His impressions? What if He created me to worship Him through listening to worship songs that speak to my heart with encouragement for that day? What if He created me to worship Him through reading a book such as Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst that can help me understand human rejection and how I relate it to God? What if He created me to read a single Bible verse and then illustrate it with a beautiful mosaic or write a blog post connecting it to my experience? What if He created me to simply sit on my bed and pray, opening my heart in all sincerity to Him as I express my struggle to trust and believe in His truth?
Imagining worship in any and all of these ways brought such joy to my heart that I wondered why I'd never realized before that these are acceptable ways to come closer to God. For what is worship, after all, but an experience whereby we step into God's presence as intimately as we can and in doing so, we are changed? Deep Bible study is good, I'm not denying its power to change. But for me, the one who feels and writes and sings and revels in silence, it is drier than a week-old crust of bread.
I used to think God required me to worship Him in penance and that if I tried hard enough, eventually it would become easier and more interesting. But what does God ask for? It's simple enough.
To walk humbly with my God. (Micah 6:8). To love Him and serve Him with all my heart and soul. (Deuteronomy 10:12). To wait patiently for God, to cry, to walk on solid ground, to sing a new hymn of praise, to trust God, to recite all the wonderful things He's done for me, to listen, to search for God, and to experience joy and gladness (Psalm 40).
Simply worship.
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