I've hit a bit of an emotional wall this past week. When I posted it on a Facebook group, the replies were reassuring. This is normal, apparently, in the 3rd month or so. By the weekend I thought I had moved on but woke up this morning to realize I hadn't quite done so. I prayed my way through the morning but went to my room during lesson study so I could spend some time with God.
After church, everyone was congratulating my dear friends who dedicated their baby boy twins during the divine service. I was able to give my friend a hug and shake her husband's hand but there were too many people to stay for long and I had to help set up for potluck so I left shortly after saying hello. I went to the caf where I helped with laying out the food and serving.
As I was eating a plate of leftovers, my friend's husband stopped by my table. She sent you a message! She wants you to come and see the boys! he said. I'd left my phone in my room so I wouldn't have to worry about losing it and had missed her message. I hurriedly finished eating, cleaned up a little, and went to the dorm where they were temporarily staying while some maintenance work was done in their house. I knocked hesitantly on the door I'd seen my friend going in the day before.
Several other ladies were also visiting, but they were just leaving when I went in. The boys were ready for a nap and my friend immediately asked me if I wanted to hold one. Usually the shy one, I found my voice and said I would. She scooped up little W with a practised sweep and placed him in the crook of my left arm. I cradled him close as she covered him with a blanket. He lay there, calm & content, sucking on his dummy (pacifier) and pretending to sleep.
Apparently W is the one who likes attention as he came home first and had enjoyed several days of his parents' undivided attention until little D was ready to join them. When he noticed I wasn't rocking him or had stopped gazing at his perfect little face and turned my focus to his mommy and daddy, he would squirm and crinkle his face up like he was about to wail. He never did, though. I would quickly start rocking again and he'd relax until eventually he fell asleep.
Growing up, I always had friends who were natural babysitters. They'd go around the church looking for babies to hold and the mothers would hand over their children in relief. I'd watch them, envious of their ability to boldly play mommy for a few hours, but I'd never ask to hold the babies. I didn't want them to start crying and then have to figure out how to quiet them down. I vowed to myself that if I ever had children, I would look for the quiet ones in church and let them hold the baby instead of the ones who always did.
For 45 minutes, I had the privilege of holding the tiny baby as he slept. That time was a precious gift to my heart. As I held little W, I marveled at how he slept in complete trust without concern or care. He knew he was safe and loved even if he was yet too tiny to articulate or express the feelings in words. He didn't lie there worrying about reading or doing brain surgery or solving a complex math problem. He just did what he was created to do--sleep and eat and grow.
In the same way, God yearns to hold us in His arms. Isaiah 46:4 is just one of several verses where God says, I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. Note that this verse doesn't say, You need to be perfect before you come to Me. You should understand all the minor prophets, Daniel and Revelation in detail. You also need to have a healthy emotional life so I don't have to fix you.
This is one area I still struggle in. I assume that I cannot come to God and be completely vulnerable unless I've resolved in my heart to do the right thing and I've had a track record of following through. When I mess up, which I do, then I think I have to start all over and spend more time becoming perfect before I can ask God to finish the process.
The problem is, God begins and ends the process. Jesus said, I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. (Revelation 22:13) God has to initiate the healing process and He will complete this good work in us (Philippians 1:6). He doesn't ask us to be the brain surgeon or the rocket scientist when it comes to our salvation. He asks us to rest in Him, to feed on the Words He has given us, and to grow in Him (Psalm 37:7, Hebrews 5:12-14, 2 Peter 3:18). Such a beautiful calling, so simple, and yet I try to make it so complex.
As I enter a new week, I am praying God will help me to refocus my heart towards resting in Him. As a missionary, it can get overwhelming when I think about how to balance serving others with taking time to be still, know God, process life, and plan for the future (Psalm 46:10). I quickly became involved in many activities when I first came and now I'm finding it challenging to prioritize. I want to serve but if I don't have time to learn from Jesus' example how to genuinely love others, then my service is empty (1 Corinthians 13). Jesus even told His disciples to come apart from the crowds for awhile to rest and eat (Mark 6:31).
Today filled my heart with happiness, from being able to hold a tiny baby boy as he slept, to spending time visiting a dear friend who'd just had knee surgery, to laughing til I cried as we played games til past midnight then crowded 10 people into a 5-person car to drive home. Last night, the speaker talked about God and miracles. This morning I asked God, quietly, if He could give me a miracle. He didn't give me one; He gave me three.
Praise the Lord! . . .He heals the broken-hearted, and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:1,3
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