Holding My Heart

I cried. Again. For the fourth day in a row. I was starting to get a bit frustrated with these tears that would well up and emulate a waterfall without notice. I hurried through lunch so I could go to my room and cry in private. I thought it was over for the day but then this evening the tears returned.

Every Monday evening, Bruna, the women's dean, has a meeting with announcements, something spiritual to think about, and prayer time. Tonight she had us pick numbers out of a bowl so we could have prayer partners for the coming week. She encouraged us to pray for each other daily and also share a word of encouragement with our friend.

I picked the number 5 and Bruna smiled. That was her number too. After worship was over and I'd had a group prayer, we stayed to begin our week of praying together. I asked Bruna how I could pray for her. She had a busy week coming up with many guests that she had to prepare for and we talked a little about that. I am good at deflecting and focusing on the other person but then it was my turn to share a prayer request.

I'm not good at being vulnerable with people. Only my family and a couple of my closest friends have seen me cry when I'm feeling down. I feel embarrassed and I don't want to burden them with my tears. But these past few days, I haven't been able to control the tears. So when Bruna asked me what she could pray for, I opened up my heart and asked for prayer for joy.

I didn't say much before the tears began to come so I bowed my head and began to pray for her. It was easy to pray for Bruna. Her kind heart and gentle spirit encouraged everyone who knew her and I prayed earnestly that God would give her wisdom and strength in the coming week. Then she prayed for me.

I don't remember every word she said, but the compassion in her voice brought the tears even closer. When Bruna finished praying, she gave me a hug and then I cried. It wasn't for long, but I could not check the tears so I let them go. Wiping them away, I shared how this was uncharacteristic for me to feel this sad. We talked, she the wise psychologist, I the tearful one.

In the midst of her busiest week, my dear friend took the time to sit and listen to me. She understood my loneliness and shared compassion through her kind words. She helped me realize that the feelings could be a jumble of emotions I had yet to sort through because this country was not one I was detached from. This country held my heart in complicated ways and evoked feelings of belonging and grief simultaneously.

I'm far from home, and I can't hug my mother or brother or sister. Yes, I understand that in my moment of need, I can go to God and He will comfort me. Yet there are times that I also need to feel God's comfort through words of encouragement and a warm hug. Tonight He reminded me through a friend that I'm not alone. He will help me, He will just as He promised. (Isaiah 41:10,13; 43:4)